“Whom have I in heaven, but You? And there is none upon the earth I desire more than You. My flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever – But it is good for me to draw near to God; I have put my trust in the Lord God, that I may declare all Your works.” (Psalm 73:25-26,28)
For some time now, I have felt that I should start a blog. Years ago, when MySpace was the “thing”, I would post blogs every other day about what God was doing in my heart and the world around me. I have written a few notes on my Facebook page here and there, but I’m hoping to be more consistent with this. There is much the Lord wants to say, and I want to be a vessel He can use.
With that said, I felt like I should share about the last year and a half of my life. You could say that, spiritually speaking, I have been in a deep pit. I was beginning to believe that I may not see the light of day again. God has never left my side, and through this time, I have still heard Him singing songs of deliverance over me, yet my heart was not responding as I had wanted it to. Old habits and sins that I had once claimed victory over were creeping their way back into my life, and my time in the secret place had become a memory I so desperately wanted resurrect. I found myself seemingly drowning in my weakness. However, the Lord never relented on holding me, speaking His love and identity into me, forgiving me, and teaching me what it means for His strength to be made perfect in my weakness. This last year and a half has been all about true grace, hope, faith, humility, and learning to rest in the truth that I AM A CHILD OF GOD.
A few weeks ago, I was in a place of anger, sadness, feeling lost. I kept asking God, “If my heart is truly transformed, how do I hold onto it? How do I hold onto victory when it feels like grace has left me? What else should I do?” I felt like there HAD to be SOMETHING I could do. Something more than I have been; feeling like I was bursting at the seams, and not sure why I was feeling this way or what I should do. I talked to my husband about it and decided I need to take a few days and go to the prayer room in Kansas City. My intentions were to meet with Jesus, to hear His voice, and receive some clarity and direction. What I came home with was so much more… This is what He said:
“LOOK AT ME! Who are you? Who do I say you are?! Declaring ‘I am a child of God’ defeats every lie, every snare, every temptation, and moves every mountain! The shout that crushed the walls of Jericho was a shout permeated in who I AM and who Joshua and his people knew they were…My chosen, My beloved. You are My beloved! I will cause you to stand on My Word and My Word alone. Let yourself fall. I will catch you and redeem the time. You are not lost! You are my vessel that I have chosen. A vessel for My glory! Do not focus on ‘what if’! Do not think about future mistakes or fear of letting Me down. I have called you by name. I chose YOU. And I say, you are a vessel for My glory!”
I realized He gave the answer to the cry of my heart. The answer is the steadfast declaration of I AM A CHILD OF GOD! The very answer that Jesus spoke to Satan in the wilderness when He was fasting. I live on every word that proceeds from the mouth of God! It is the voice of my Father who defines me and is my victory. It doesn’t mean I will never mess up or sin again. It means I have Jesus, the hope of glory, living inside of me with resurrection power and life, surging through my veins. I am finally beginning to get passed myself and LOOK AT HIM. His blood made a way for me and covers me. How could I possibly allow the enemy to convince me otherwise?
I saw myself running. Running the race. I stumbled and I fell. I fell on the Rock, broken into pieces. Torn by He who loves me. All so that He could lift me up, heal me, that might run again, only this time, in His strength alone. In this journey, I have discovered that humility and childlike faith are one in the same, and I have yet so much to learn, so much to see. But this time, instead of trying to figure out how to “maintain” and make a list of what I should and shouldn’t do, I am simply lifting up the “YES” in my heart to the Lord and letting Him redesign my inward parts with His word. For me, it is a new day.
“If you abide in Me, you will know the truth. The truth shall set you free, if you believe. I AM the light of the world. You will not walk in darkness, but have the light of life. I AM the Son, and I have set you free…”
What we believe about God affects EVERYTHING we say and do…and everything we don’t say and don’t do. It’s time to break agreement with lies and declare what’s true about God, to gaze on Him daily and let His beauty transform us. It’s not an instant thing, but it’s a beautiful, messy process that God loves because He loves us.
There is no fear here…I am a child of Perfect Love.